Episode 3
Money Laundering and Milk
In this special episode host Erika Audrey takes a hilarious detour from her usual topics to share a highly requested story – the most unforgettable worst date ever.
While Clover Club typically explores a variety of subjects, some stories are just too entertaining to pass up. Join Erika and Kelly as they dive into a jaw-dropping tale involving a disastrous date, unimaginable mishaps, and an unexpected twist featuring money laundering and milk.
Erika's storytelling prowess and infectious chemistry shine as they recount this mind-boggling narrative. Get ready for laughs, gasps, and a wildly entertaining experience in "Money Laundering and Milk."
Transcript
Uh, hi Kelly.
Speaker:Hi, Erica.
Speaker:How are you?
Speaker:I'm fabulous.
Speaker:How are you?
Speaker:You know what I'm really good at because I spent my morning.
Speaker:With somebody who I adore, Her name is Mandy.
Speaker:Okay.
Speaker:And she micro needled my face off.
Speaker:And I can see that.
Speaker:You guys can't see that, but I can see that.
Speaker:So we have thought about there being a video component to this podcast.
Speaker:And today is a great example of why audio only is.
Speaker:Cool.
Speaker:It's cool for now.
Speaker:It's cool for now.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:We'll add video to this, but I look like a monster and I can still come in here.
Speaker:And record a podcast.
Speaker:She doesn't look that bad.
Speaker:Don't look that good.
Speaker:Ah, But I fucking will.
Speaker:Yeah, so true.
Speaker:I'm like I saw the before and after pictures of the last
Speaker:time Erica got this done.
Speaker:And I now really want to get it done.
Speaker:It's I wanna, this is not an ad, but it's a plug.
Speaker:If you want a medical grade facial, like microneedling or
Speaker:plasma, fibroblasts, anger.
Speaker:You know, the big peels and lasers and stuff.
Speaker:Go see my girl, Mandy at hay butterfly.
Speaker:They're located in the Rose Finch spa off of Dekab, which is another.
Speaker:Business that I fucking gloved.
Speaker:Kelly.
Speaker:You're about to go see Barbie tonight.
Speaker:I am.
Speaker:I'm so excited.
Speaker:So I have seen Barbie.
Speaker:And I hated it.
Speaker:Oh, I know, but that's not a common opinion.
Speaker:So I'm actually, and I don't want to say anything more than that.
Speaker:I.
Speaker:I have not heard anyone say that.
Speaker:I know two other people that share my opinion and I'm, I'm super
Speaker:curious to see you next week.
Speaker:And , Tom, I.
Speaker:Oh, God.
Speaker:I know.
Speaker:. I am very excited for Barbie.
Speaker:And I will, I will report back next week.
Speaker:Perfect.
Speaker:So get ready, everybody.
Speaker:If you also haven't seen it, you should see it in between this episode.
Speaker:Next one.
Speaker:So we can all talk shit.
Speaker:So we don't have a guest today.
Speaker:Today is another episode where it's me telling Kelly a wild story.
Speaker:I'm excited.
Speaker:This one's.
Speaker:I really debated.
Speaker:I'm going to, I'm going to be honest with y'all.
Speaker:I really debated on whether or not to even make this an episode.
Speaker:Because it's a story about the worst date that I've ever been on.
Speaker:But I also think like this is not a podcast about any of our dating lives.
Speaker:Like I think talking about that is the most boring thing
Speaker:that a woman can do, honestly.
Speaker:And there's a million other good podcasts that get into dating in 2023.
Speaker:But this story is just so insane that it kind of supersedes the topic.
Speaker:And, it's been requested a lot, so I was like, let's just
Speaker:fucking get it out of the way.
Speaker:And the timing of it's kind of interesting because a.
Speaker:I don't know how into astrology you are, but it's Venus retrograde.
Speaker:It's been Venus retrograde for the last couple of weeks.
Speaker:Okay.
Speaker:I don't know the difference between.
Speaker:Mercury and Venus ratchet.
Speaker:Great.
Speaker:So to be clear, I'm not super savvy with the staff.
Speaker:I just have a little app that tells me.
Speaker:Cliff's notes of stuff.
Speaker:I don't even have an app.
Speaker:So you're one step one app ahead.
Speaker:But I do notice things matching up with what these apps say, like, Hey.
Speaker:That's alignment of things you can expect X, Y, and Z to happen.
Speaker:So one of the things with Venus retrograde is relationships shifting relationships.
Speaker:And Dean relationships like people coming back from your past.
Speaker:So it's kind of just this.
Speaker:It's not a good time to start something new herd.
Speaker:, but in the past, in the past, two months I have had, I swear, like every
Speaker:guy I've ever dated has come back, I've been getting so many random texts and
Speaker:phone calls and Instagram messages from motherfuckers that I forgot existed.
Speaker:And I hear this, I hope.
Speaker:, it's hilarious.
Speaker:So I was like, okay, this is just kind of a funny time with all
Speaker:of these people popping back up.
Speaker:It seems like a amusing time to tell this story.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Before we get into the story though.
Speaker:All of us have been on bad dates, right?
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:And there's a spectrum of bad.
Speaker:There's like, ah, we didn't connect, but they're nice enough.
Speaker:Wish you all the best.
Speaker:And then there's , The time I went out with somebody who was so nervous.
Speaker:He had a paper napkin in his hands and he shredded it into fucking confetti.
Speaker:Oh my God.
Speaker:I'm just like sitting across the table.
Speaker:Like bro, I've been there.
Speaker:I've been there.
Speaker:You've sh confetti.
Speaker:No.
Speaker:I haven't.
Speaker:Someone has with me really?
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Same story.
Speaker:Once I had dinner with a man.
Speaker:And when the check came, he reached into his pocket to grab his wallet.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:And something fell out of his pocket onto the floor.
Speaker:And I get here under the table.
Speaker:It had fallen towards me.
Speaker:And so I looked under the table.
Speaker:You know, see if I could return it to him.
Speaker:And I saw his hands, quickly pick something up and I
Speaker:was like, what the fuck?
Speaker:And so I . Pop back up.
Speaker:And I was like, what, what was that?
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:And he paused and he was like, well, Those were my teeth.
Speaker:Ah, Cool.
Speaker:Uh, why were they in your view, sir?
Speaker:. So he had what I guess is called a flipper.
Speaker:And so, because the front of his grill was , not.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:It's like.
Speaker:That's totally fine.
Speaker:Yes, but like just the context of that.
Speaker:Yes.
Speaker:Is so alarming.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Yes, correct.
Speaker:I thought you were going to say it was like drugs or something.
Speaker:Loved that.
Speaker:What do we have here?
Speaker:Oh, Dentures dentures.
Speaker:So now that we've got those pallet cleansers out of the
Speaker:way, let's just get into it.
Speaker:This is money laundering and milk.
Speaker:My worst day ever.
Speaker:Let me kick this off by saying, if you went on a date with me last December
Speaker:and you think there's even a chance that this episode is about you.
Speaker:Stop listening.
Speaker:Your feelings are going to get hurt.
Speaker:Oh, no.
Speaker:And I really debated on whether or not to share this story.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Because I don't want to be, I'm not trying to talk shit, but it's just
Speaker:like, so fucking bad that it's in.
Speaker:So wildly entertaining.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:I just, I just have to share it.
Speaker:It's I'm so excited to get.
Speaker:All right.
Speaker:So this story started, Six years ago.
Speaker:Okay.
Speaker:I went to test drive.
Speaker:My dream car.
Speaker:And, uh, I met this very charismatic sales associate that we're going to call Colin.
Speaker:Aren't they all he was, I mean, he's handsome.
Speaker:He's just the ultimate salesman.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:And so we really hit it off, but also I'm like, you're trying to
Speaker:sell me a very expensive vehicle.
Speaker:Like of course you're charming.
Speaker:I know totally.
Speaker:What's happening here, right?
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:So, uh, we have a lovely test drive.
Speaker:Ultimately I'm like, I cannot afford this thing for your time.
Speaker:, and then I, uh, a couple months later kind of changed.
Speaker:I had been looking at an SUV and then I was like, actually I want the convertible.
Speaker:And so I emailed him because of course we exchanged information and I was
Speaker:like, Hey, I'm actually thinking, I want to get into this car instead.
Speaker:Can I come back up and can we test these?
Speaker:And he's like, Of course, like, I would love to, he's like come up on Monday.
Speaker:We can drive whatever you want.
Speaker:And I was like, yeah, cool.
Speaker:So I go up on Monday and we test drive all sorts of.
Speaker:Really amazing cars.
Speaker:That he knew I cannot aboard.
Speaker:It was just fun and I guess it was a slow day for them.
Speaker:So we just have this like lovely day.
Speaker:And so it gets to be lunchtime and he's like, are you hungry?
Speaker:And I was like, I mean I could eat and he's like, can I take you to lunch?
Speaker:And I was like, um, yes, but it isn't going to make me buy this car.
Speaker:And he was like, no.
Speaker:I don't care.
Speaker:, so we like have lunch and just like fun.
Speaker:Nothing happens.
Speaker:Ultimately again too.
Speaker:I was like, I can't afford this car.
Speaker:Um, thank you for your time, sir.
Speaker:And I left.
Speaker:So maybe a couple of months after that I find, I knew the car I wanted.
Speaker:I knew what my budget was.
Speaker:I knew the spec that I wanted.
Speaker:And I knew that I was in no rush because this was going to be a second car for me.
Speaker:Yeah, just an absolute treat for myself.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:And so finally I found on like room.com my exact car.
Speaker:The right color, the right spec.
Speaker:I mean, every detail at the right price.
Speaker:And I was like, oh my God.
Speaker:And I was actually in Chicago at the time sitting at the bar at Blackbird.
Speaker:And if you know, Blackboard in Chicago, then you definitely
Speaker:know they're on dive salad.
Speaker:So I'm sitting there.
Speaker:The on dive salad at Blackbird in Chicago, which unfortunately it was a
Speaker:casualty of COVID, which makes me so sad.
Speaker:Loved that place.
Speaker:, awful, awful, but I find it and Wal sitting at the bar, just on my
Speaker:phone, I buy my dream car and I'm just like, what a fucking afternoon?
Speaker:This has been.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:So I buy this car.
Speaker:And it had some issues.
Speaker:And so I hit up Collin and I'm like, Hey, I ended up buying
Speaker:this car, but not from you.
Speaker:And I'm having some issues with it.
Speaker:, can you help?
Speaker:Like, do you remember me?
Speaker:And he was like, goddamn, like, of course.
Speaker:So this is the backstory of like I've interacted with this man,
Speaker:three times in my entire life.
Speaker:six years ago.
Speaker:So we became friendly on social media.
Speaker:We each have had been in and out of relationships over the years since we'd
Speaker:met and we'd flirt a little bit here and there, but it never went anywhere.
Speaker:Never wanted it to.
Speaker:And then he ended up moving out of state.
Speaker:Okay.
Speaker:, but again, friends on social media and stuff like that.
Speaker:So.
Speaker:Kind of had an idea of what was going on with each other's lives.
Speaker:So last December I had just stopped seeing this guy that I really liked.
Speaker:And I had just gotten back from a trip to Italy and I kind of like, all of this had
Speaker:happened all at once and it was like kind of sad., and I'd posted some like cute
Speaker:picture of myself from my trip to Italy.
Speaker:And here comes Collin sliding into my DMS.
Speaker:And he's like, when are you going to come visit?
Speaker:As they always do, as they always do.
Speaker:Um, so I was like, what are you going to buy my ticket?
Speaker:So this motherfucker hits me back with a front and back
Speaker:picture of his platinum Amex.
Speaker:And he says you buy the ticket.
Speaker:And I was like, Oh, like I was kidding.
Speaker:That is trustworthy for one thing.
Speaker:Trustworthy.
Speaker:And I was like, this is dumb.
Speaker:Like I go straight to Gucci.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:I was just like, you know what?
Speaker:I deserve this.
Speaker:I need , just a fun time, this guy, and I have good chemistry.
Speaker:We get along really well.
Speaker:A fun date.
Speaker:And like I said, he lives out of town.
Speaker:So this would be like I'm flying there for an overnight date and there's no.
Speaker:Let's be clear.
Speaker:We both knew what the pretext was.
Speaker:Right.
Speaker:I'm an adult.
Speaker:He's an adult.
Speaker:Okay.
Speaker:Right.
Speaker:So I get onto Delta's websites and this is, I don't want to say where he's
Speaker:from, but it's a coastal Southern town.
Speaker:And the flight from Atlanta would have been, you know, not
Speaker:even an hour, I don't think.
Speaker:and so I pull up flights and again, this is like, A couple
Speaker:of weekends before Christmas.
Speaker:And a coach ticket was 700 something dollars.
Speaker:And I was like, Jesus Christ.
Speaker:, so I hit him up and I was like, Hey, I appreciate the offer.
Speaker:But tickets are astronomical right now, but maybe another weekend.
Speaker:And he says, well, how much are they?
Speaker:And I was like, they're $700.
Speaker:And he was like, damn.
Speaker:He was like, how much is first-class?
Speaker:So , I pull it up and it's like a thousand bucks and I was like,
Speaker:oh, it's a thousand dollars.
Speaker:And he was like, oh, just buy that.
Speaker:Oh my God.
Speaker:I was like, Yes, that's the correct answer.
Speaker:Just by that.
Speaker:And I'm like, you know what?
Speaker:I will.
Speaker:And so I type in this credit card number I buy my first class.
Speaker:Short as fuck flight.
Speaker:And I packed my little suitcase and to me.
Speaker:Coming up the Sunday, this was all happening, let's say on a Monday.
Speaker:And it was like the next Sunday.
Speaker:And I was just like, fuck it.
Speaker:That's amazing.
Speaker:Let's.
Speaker:Right.
Speaker:Yeah, of course.
Speaker:And so we like talk a little bit throughout the week leading up to
Speaker:it, but , not much, honestly, it's just like, this is fucking crazy.
Speaker:Actually both.
Speaker:Kind of excited.
Speaker:That's coming.
Speaker:Yeah, sure.
Speaker:, I'm like, we know we're both , Sociable and fun, what could go wrong?
Speaker:, I just want to be treated well for like 24 hours and just kind of hit,
Speaker:reset on my dating canvas, right.
Speaker:That.
Speaker:That was your first mistake.
Speaker:So Sunday rolls around.
Speaker:Pack my bag.
Speaker:I go to the airport.
Speaker:Hop on this flight.
Speaker:I get there.
Speaker:This motherfucker rolls up like 30 minutes late.
Speaker:So I'm just outside, like dude to do like.
Speaker:Like waiting and I'm just like, he's coming, right?
Speaker:Like how embarrassing?
Speaker:Oh my God.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:, but then I see coming around the corner, this beautiful,
Speaker:bright blue, $200,000 car.
Speaker:Top-down.
Speaker:Scott pulling up to the arrivals.
Speaker:And here he is.
Speaker:And I was just like, man, rich.
Speaker:Rich.
Speaker:and I'm like, oh my God, this is a lot.
Speaker:And everyone's staring at us, like, is this a celebrity?
Speaker:Like it's a flashy car.
Speaker:Wow.
Speaker:It's also one of my dream cars.
Speaker:That's why I'm just like I mentioned, like I genuinely am a car person.
Speaker:It's not because it's fancy.
Speaker:It's like, I appreciate the Engineering behind it.
Speaker:You know what I mean?
Speaker:So I'm just saying.
Speaker:This is so exciting.
Speaker:Did you know he drove that car?
Speaker:I did know he drove that car or at least I knew, I knew when he had gotten that
Speaker:car, I assumed it's still the car he was driving, but the car dude's like always.
Speaker:Which it up.
Speaker:, but yeah, so he rolls into this car, gives me a big hug, grabs
Speaker:my suitcase, opens my car door.
Speaker:, I get in and he's like, let's fucking go.
Speaker:And I'm like, okay.
Speaker:Sounds fun.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:And immediately very comfortable.
Speaker:Like it wasn't weird.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:, which I feel like is noteworthy because again, like I haven't
Speaker:seen this motherfucker.
Speaker:Six years.
Speaker:Vibes are a huge thing.
Speaker:Like if it's an instant.
Speaker:Okay.
Speaker:This is cool.
Speaker:That's really good.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:I thought the same thing.
Speaker:So we pull out of the airport and he looks at me and he's
Speaker:like, so little change of plan.
Speaker:I'm like, oh, well ready.
Speaker:And he says I'm babysitting.
Speaker:My friend's dog.
Speaker:Oh my God.
Speaker:I thought you were going to say a child.
Speaker:I was like, I.
Speaker:Would throw up.
Speaker:I'd be like, stop the car right now.
Speaker:I will walk back to Atlanta.
Speaker:So a dog, so it dog.
Speaker:It's a dog.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:So I was like, oh, and I was like, oh, it's totally fine.
Speaker:, I love dogs.
Speaker:It's actually an upgrade to my evening.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:So he's like she's a Pomeranian.
Speaker:And she's kind of aggressive.
Speaker:And we'll call her Zoe.
Speaker:Okay.
Speaker:And I was like, nah, I'm not worried about it.
Speaker:I have big dogs and , I've been through training, like I'm dog, dog.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:I'm a, I'm a , I know what's up with dogs.
Speaker:It's just like, I'm not sweating best.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:It's like, so he takes me on the long drive back to his place and he
Speaker:drives like such a fucking asshole.
Speaker:He drives like the person who drives that car.
Speaker:You know what I mean?
Speaker:Celebrating to red lights revving the engine.
Speaker:Generally ridiculous.
Speaker:Oh my God.
Speaker:But also I like.
Speaker:I'm smiling so much because it is so fun.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:I'm just like, okay.
Speaker:Chauffeured around this like beautiful little town by a
Speaker:handsome man in a fancy car.
Speaker:I've had worse afternoon.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Definitely.
Speaker:Several.
Speaker:So we get to his place and his place is beautiful.
Speaker:Like he lives in this gorgeous building in a great part of town.
Speaker:Everything's just nice.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:And you know, he opens my door, like he's a Southern gentleman, so he's, he's
Speaker:doing all of those things correctly.
Speaker:so we walk into his place is calm down.
Speaker:And immediately I noticed he didn't clean.
Speaker:Okay.
Speaker:How do you mean like dishes in the sink?
Speaker:Stuff piled up on the kitchen island.
Speaker:Oh, laundry on the floor, just looks like a dude.
Speaker:There and wasn't expecting company, but if like a girl's coming.
Speaker:No, I know.
Speaker:And I was just like, what the fuck?
Speaker:And I want to say like, I'm in my mid thirties, he's almost 50, if not 50.
Speaker:So he's a, uh, not a good chunk old with me, but he is older than, yeah.
Speaker:And certainly old enough to , have you shared together?
Speaker:Yes.
Speaker:And that's like, you can't predict that by being like, we
Speaker:have good chemistry on Instagram.
Speaker:Like that doesn't mean that he knows.
Speaker:So that's red flag, number one, that's red flag, number one.
Speaker:And it wasn't a deal breaker, but it was just like, okay, . Yeah.
Speaker:And then he did say like, oh, I was going to have my housekeeper come, but it's just
Speaker:been a crazy week and dah, dah, dah, and.
Speaker:I was like, yeah.
Speaker:Okay.
Speaker:So then Zoe, the dog.
Speaker:Comes and she sees me and loses her fucking mind.
Speaker:And she's just like, yeah.
Speaker:and just like losing it and I'm like, okay, I'm going to let her
Speaker:get the bark out of her system.
Speaker:I'm going.
Speaker:Let her see that like I'm a safe person and so we, we hang out at
Speaker:his place for 30 ish minutes.
Speaker:And in that timeframe, Zoe, doesn't calm down.
Speaker:Like she sucks.
Speaker:And then I was just like, oh, doggy, Xanax.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:She needs to smoke a joint, like.
Speaker:Sucked.
Speaker:, so his warning was valid.
Speaker:She was not a good dog.
Speaker:, but she loved him.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:And so I'm like, okay, you have it in, you.
Speaker:so I was just like, it's just, I'm a new person.
Speaker:I'm not sweating.
Speaker:Another good sign.
Speaker:If a dog likes a person.
Speaker:That's a really good sign.
Speaker:Oh, I agree.
Speaker:If I date somebody that my dogs don't like, you're done.
Speaker:So Zoe is just not chilling and he's like, see what I mean?
Speaker:And I'm like, yeah, I do.
Speaker:And he's like, all right, well, like let's, you know, put your
Speaker:stuff down, let's do this.
Speaker:, let's go get some drinks, let's go out.
Speaker:And I was like, okay, great, perfect.
Speaker:And one thing that I had said to him, before I bought my ticket
Speaker:was , I really want some good oysters and just good seats.
Speaker:And.
Speaker:It's a sea town, right?
Speaker:Yes.
Speaker:Exactly.
Speaker:And so he was just like, I got you.
Speaker:I'll make a dinner reservation.
Speaker:And I was like, perfect.
Speaker:So in my mind, at some point that evening, we have a nice
Speaker:presumably dinner reservation.
Speaker:So I'm pretty chill.
Speaker:I'm just open for whatever.
Speaker:Like, let's just see what this guy has in store.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:So we go back out to his car.
Speaker:Take the top down, how go out on the town?
Speaker:He gets a phone call and so he spends the car ride on the
Speaker:phone we're going to deal.
Speaker:Okay.
Speaker:Rolex flashing in the light.
Speaker:Like, I feel like a slut.
Speaker:Like this guy, I am like an accessory.
Speaker:This man this evening.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:I'm like, there's all these little things and I'm not used to that.
Speaker:Yeah, that's a feeling for sure.
Speaker:That's a specific.
Speaker:Vigorous specific.
Speaker:Usually, there's not that big of an income discrepancy with people.
Speaker:I date.
Speaker:and it was just kind of interesting observing these micro differences and
Speaker:how I was treated and that will be a theme for the rest of the evening.
Speaker:Interesting.
Speaker:So I'm just sitting there obviously not a priority, right.
Speaker:So he says, we're about to pull up to the first stop.
Speaker:I'm gonna take you to the sports bar.
Speaker:And I was like, oh, Um, Um,
Speaker:so one thing to know about me is I don't fuck with sports.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:I just don't care.
Speaker:I don't care if you like them.
Speaker:I think that's fine, but I don't, I think a football field.
Speaker:It's a modern plantation.
Speaker:Like, I am literally the worst woman to take to a sporting event.
Speaker:I've been offered box seats at very sought after games, by
Speaker:friends and clients and stuff.
Speaker:And I literally am like, no, it's a waste.
Speaker:And I know that , I just give it to somebody who cares.
Speaker:Like I don't care.
Speaker:So that's so.
Speaker:Interesting.
Speaker:How deep your hatred goes.
Speaker:I mean, it's just , I care so little about it that I don't even hate it.
Speaker:I guess.
Speaker:I just like, I'm just like, this is just not part of my life and I
Speaker:certainly wouldn't never choose to fly out of town to observe a sport.
Speaker:, so we parked this car.
Speaker:We'd go into the sports bar and we grab a seat at the bar.
Speaker:There's multiple football games happening all at once.
Speaker:, we order cocktails.
Speaker:And the cocktails good.
Speaker:No, because it's like a glorified taco Mac.
Speaker:My go-to drink is an Americano, which is Campari, vermouth, and soda.
Speaker:And so I ordered an Americano and they're like, oh, we don't do coffee.
Speaker:And I was like, oh my God.
Speaker:That's cool.
Speaker:, I just want a cocktail and I saw the ingredients behind them and
Speaker:I was like, just campfire for me.
Speaker:Some soda.
Speaker:. Oh, my.
Speaker:Ordered a double crown and diet Coke.
Speaker:Sick.
Speaker:so again, I think there were three football games going on at this time.
Speaker:So we get our drinks and he's like, all right, babe.
Speaker:Red flag number 47.
Speaker:Don't fucking call me babe.
Speaker:You don't know me like that.
Speaker:So he was like, yeah.
Speaker:Alright.
Speaker:It was like in a weird tone.
Speaker:It wasn't like a.
Speaker:Like sweet, babe.
Speaker:It was like, it's not a sweet.
Speaker:All right.
Speaker:Babe.
Speaker:All right, baby.
Speaker:Sugar tits.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Sounded like he said sugar tits when he said, babe.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:That's a red flag that the red lab.
Speaker:So he's like, all right, babe.
Speaker:So I got 500 riding on this game.
Speaker:I got two 50 riding on this game and I got 150 writing of this
Speaker:game and I was like dollars.
Speaker:Ah, and he's like, yeah.
Speaker:And all of a sudden I was like, oh fuck.
Speaker:A thousand dollar plane ticket is significantly less flattering when he will
Speaker:blow the same amount of money casually on an afternoon of sports betting.
Speaker:And I was like, oh no.
Speaker:Oh no.
Speaker:Oh no.
Speaker:I have made a critical error and now I'm stuck.
Speaker:Is he like a gambling addict?
Speaker:So.
Speaker:He pulls out his phone.
Speaker:And , he has like a literal bookie with this proprietary, app software that
Speaker:keeps track of all of his bets and that season he was down like over $10,000.
Speaker:So the answer is, yes, that is red flag number by yes.
Speaker:Absolute gambling addict.
Speaker:Genuinely a problem.
Speaker:Oh, Yeah.
Speaker:And I was like, oh, gross.
Speaker:, I could see gambling on, like, who do you think is going to like
Speaker:get to be the CEO at the end of succession, are you kidding me?
Speaker:Thousands of blank, multiple.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Look all at once.
Speaker:No wonder he cared so much about going to the sports bar.
Speaker:But also like, So, like, I can't even imagine being you in this situation.
Speaker:I would be so utterly shocked by this.
Speaker:I was like, I don't think I would have any words.
Speaker:I think I would just be sitting there with my WAC Americano being
Speaker:like, it was like, what the fuck is.
Speaker:Yeah, it was really like in this moment, I was like, okay, today isn't going
Speaker:to go the way that you thought it was.
Speaker:And you don't have really any say over how it goes, so let's
Speaker:just be in it for the storyline.
Speaker:So I had a very important mental shift to sitting at this bar.
Speaker:Thank God.
Speaker:I, it was all I could do, right.
Speaker:It's like, you're just in it for them, for the content.
Speaker:Be clear, you felt safe with him.
Speaker:And that time I did, like you were like at that phase of the day, I
Speaker:still feel like I can be around.
Speaker:Like, it's not that.
Speaker:Yes.
Speaker:Okay.
Speaker:I wasn't like, this is a bad person, but I was like, yeah, he's not the type of
Speaker:person I ever spend time with or whatever.
Speaker:Spend time with again.
Speaker:But I wasn't like this as a bad person, but I was like
Speaker:this, it feels a little icky.
Speaker:I am uncomfortable, but not unsafe.
Speaker:Right.
Speaker:If that makes sense.
Speaker:Just to clarify.
Speaker:So, uh, we're there for a couple hours he's pounding,
Speaker:double crown and diet Cokes.
Speaker:And I am.
Speaker:Nursing like one cocktail.
Speaker:, and I'm not a big drinker anyways, but red flag number six.
Speaker:Red flag number sense.
Speaker:So finally, all of these games.
Speaker:And, and he loses all of them.
Speaker:Oh, and I'm watching his mood steadily decline.
Speaker:While he's losing this money and I'm like, oh, no, the sucks.
Speaker:So the check comes, he pays it.
Speaker:And he's like, all right, the sun's about to set.
Speaker:I want to drive you under this, like well-known bridge in the city.
Speaker:It's a really pretty view.
Speaker:, so let's go do that.
Speaker:Okay.
Speaker:That's kind of sweet.
Speaker:I agree.
Speaker:And also his mood is okay.
Speaker:His mood was okay.
Speaker:I could sense it shifting, but it was okay.
Speaker:He was enthusiastic about the bridge drive.
Speaker:I feel sweet.
Speaker:I agree.
Speaker:But that being said, I just watched this homie drink so many drinks that I'm
Speaker:like, should I be in the car with him?
Speaker:You know what I mean?
Speaker:Oh, shit.
Speaker:I forgot about that.
Speaker:And he drives like sober.
Speaker:He drives like an asshole.
Speaker:What happened after all of your crown?
Speaker:So I was just like, okay, everything's going to be fine.
Speaker:That's so it's so scary.
Speaker:He pays the check.
Speaker:We go outside, we got back to his beautiful car.
Speaker:We get in.
Speaker:He takes the top down before we put it in drive, he says, but first my nicotine fix.
Speaker:And I was like, oh, I was like, is he going to smoke in a car that
Speaker:costs more than most people's houses?
Speaker:Like this is horrifying.
Speaker:And I was like, yeah, he smoked.
Speaker:What the fuck.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:And then he takes out a can of dip.
Speaker:Oh, red flag number seven.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Yup.
Speaker:Yup.
Speaker:Kelly literally has a whiteboard here and she's documenting the red flags.
Speaker:I hate dip, but I know it's disgusting.
Speaker:So.
Speaker:Where are you?
Speaker:Chipper Jones in the nineties?
Speaker:Because it's not, you can't adapt like sick also, like.
Speaker:Oh, just how it like hangs out there.
Speaker:And then also like kissing that after like, ah, Yeah.
Speaker:I completely agree.
Speaker:And we we'd like kissed a little bit at the bar already.
Speaker:So it's like the seal had been broken on that.
Speaker:And I was like, I looked at him and I was like, oh my God.
Speaker:I said, please don't do that.
Speaker:And he was like, I really don't want to hear it.
Speaker:Oh, yeah.
Speaker:And I was like, I don't want to kiss you again, if you do that.
Speaker:And he was like, okay.
Speaker:And like pops it in his house.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:I was just like, oh my God.
Speaker:So I'm like, alright.
Speaker:Alright.
Speaker:Alright.
Speaker:Alright.
Speaker:Alright.
Speaker:Like you just, okay.
Speaker:Cool.
Speaker:Cool.
Speaker:Cool, cool.
Speaker:Cool.
Speaker:So we back up, we head towards the bridge.
Speaker:and we drive under this bridge.
Speaker:And I will say the bridge was pretty and it was a lovely evening.
Speaker:And like a December in a Southern coastal town is lovely.
Speaker:But also like after somebody said the words.
Speaker:Don't want to hear it.
Speaker:To me, I would not give a fuck about this bridge.
Speaker:I would be like, aye.
Speaker:Uh, oh, Oh my God.
Speaker:Yeah, no.
Speaker:It was jarring to hear disrespectful.
Speaker:It's alarming.
Speaker:I completely agree with you.
Speaker:I completely agree with you.
Speaker:So he's dipping.
Speaker:Oh my God.
Speaker:And dry dipping and dry, like.
Speaker:Like mad.
Speaker:I know I was too.
Speaker:I was, I was, I was mad and like, oh my God, how is this real?
Speaker:Like, how does this kid.
Speaker:Worse and worse.
Speaker:So, uh, You know what.
Speaker:I told the story to a client of mine who used to play baseball.
Speaker:And he used to dip when he played baseball and he was like, where do you
Speaker:even put a dip cup in that sports car?
Speaker:And I was like, there wasn't one.
Speaker:And then I paused and realized that meant he was swallowing.
Speaker:It.
Speaker:Oh,
Speaker:Like it's so gross.
Speaker:Okay.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:So he's dipping in swallowing.
Speaker:We drive over the bridge and then he does kind of a U-turn and takes me
Speaker:back onto like the normal part of town.
Speaker:And he's like, all right, now I'm going to take you to one
Speaker:of my favorite go-to spots.
Speaker:And I'm like, okay, maybe it's like a martini bar and something.
Speaker:I doubt it.
Speaker:Velvet.
Speaker:I doubt it.
Speaker:Velvet.
Speaker:We pull up to this establishment.
Speaker:It has no windows and stainless steel doors.
Speaker:And I said, this looks like a strip club and he said it is, oh, oh my God.
Speaker:, but oh my.
Speaker:And like, I'm not hating on strip clubs, but , just to be
Speaker:perfectly clear, it's 6:04 PM.
Speaker:Oh, my God.
Speaker:And it's his favorite place?
Speaker:His favorite place.
Speaker:That's red flag number nine.
Speaker:Yes, it is.
Speaker:So we walk into this club.
Speaker:And multiple staff members.
Speaker:See him and say,
Speaker:And I was like, He's on a first name basis with a staff year.
Speaker:Like what the fuck?
Speaker:And so I was like, well, at least.
Speaker:There won't be sports, but we turn a corner to the bar and it's just
Speaker:this line of sad men sitting at the strip club bar at six, 12:00
Speaker:PM on a Sunday watching football.
Speaker:And I was like, no.
Speaker:And I go, what guess what?
Speaker:He's gambling on these games too.
Speaker:And so he starts hitting it up with the guy next to him.
Speaker:Oh, yeah, they're talking about sports.
Speaker:I order, , like a tequila and soda.
Speaker:I'm like, I need something stronger.
Speaker:You are not his priority.
Speaker:Correct.
Speaker:. I was I'd feel so.
Speaker:Like small.
Speaker:It's so gross.
Speaker:I have never felt so small.
Speaker:So gross.
Speaker:Which is not like, no, you did not deserve that.
Speaker:Obviously.
Speaker:No one deserves to feel that way.
Speaker:No one does.
Speaker:, it was, it was horrible.
Speaker:So I sat there, I indulged this and he was like one drink, one drink.
Speaker:And I was like, okay.
Speaker:, The music that they're playing is like, look, Nelly.
Speaker:The worst.
Speaker:And with a straight face, he looked over at me and he was like, I just, I come
Speaker:here cause like I really liked the music.
Speaker:I was like, cool.
Speaker:You should not tell people that that's apparently.
Speaker:No.
Speaker:So the fact that he said just one drink means like he knows you don't like it.
Speaker:Correct.
Speaker:Exactly.
Speaker:Literally, no.
Speaker:What I want to be there.
Speaker:Yes, no woman wants to be taken there on a first and last date.
Speaker:, So, again, I.
Speaker:Endure the strip club we have wondering.
Speaker:Um, so.
Speaker:, he has really hit it off with the guy next to him and I, as much as
Speaker:I'm hating this, I'm being polite.
Speaker:I'm being polite to the people around me.
Speaker:I'm being polite to the bartender.
Speaker:Like I'm not going to be a bitch.
Speaker:Right.
Speaker:, I dunno, I would start being.
Speaker:Fish.
Speaker:I'd be not to the other people, but definitely to him, I'd
Speaker:start being like pretty bitchy.
Speaker:In my mind, I was like, I am.
Speaker:Have to sleep in this town tonight.
Speaker:So how long of a leash do I give this guy?
Speaker:Right.
Speaker:So that was kind of it running in the background.
Speaker:But the guy sitting next to him, he was like, hi, I really like y'all's vibe.
Speaker:Let me buy us around a fireball.
Speaker:And I was like, oh, and I was like, that will not be necessary, but thank you.
Speaker:And Colin was like, come on, babe.
Speaker:Let's take some shots.
Speaker:And I was like, oh no, it's like, You're both crews.
Speaker:So I was like, okay.
Speaker:Then I'm doing shots of fireball.
Speaker:At a strip club at like 6 34 on a Sunday.
Speaker:, Oh, my God, I can't believe this is still in the six o'clock hour.
Speaker:That's like the worst part.
Speaker:There weren't any strippers there.
Speaker:Like, I didn't mention that yet.
Speaker:No one was even at work yet.
Speaker:There was a bartender and fishnets and glasses and a crop top, but
Speaker:they weren't even actually open.
Speaker:It was just like dudes using it as like a glorified taco
Speaker:Mac to watch fucking football.
Speaker:It was so lame.
Speaker:Oh my God.
Speaker:Yeah, also, if you're going to take me to a strip club,
Speaker:take me to a fucking good one.
Speaker:I mean, I love a strip club.
Speaker:C it's like the strip clubs, not the issue.
Speaker:It's the context.
Speaker:Yeah, it is.
Speaker:The context.
Speaker:Yes.
Speaker:So I've had my shot of fireball, had my cocktail and the check comes.
Speaker:He pays and he's like, all right, like, let's go back to my place
Speaker:and let's get ready for dinner.
Speaker:. And I was like, what time is our reservation?
Speaker:And he was like, oh, I didn't make one.
Speaker:Oh, okay.
Speaker:I was like, you mentioned this like one place that had like really good oysters.
Speaker:And he was like, yeah, we can just go sit at the bar.
Speaker:And I was like, oh, okay, cool.
Speaker:So I would have been like, I want to table.
Speaker:I really wanted a table.
Speaker:I really prefer a table.
Speaker:There's just something about a table that makes you feel like you're on a date.
Speaker:, but again, nothing about this date was normal.
Speaker:So of course that part wasn't normal.
Speaker:So we get in his car.
Speaker:And again, this motherfucker has been drinking double crown
Speaker:and diet Cokes all night.
Speaker:Like, how many has he had up until now?
Speaker:Probably six or seven or eight, like a wow.
Speaker:I shouldn't have gotten in the car with him.
Speaker:He didn't seem drunk, but just anybody who's had that
Speaker:much is under the influence.
Speaker:You know, a thousand percent.
Speaker:That's so insane.
Speaker:It.
Speaker:Made me uncomfortable, but again, I was just like, oh fuck.
Speaker:, I'm going to say that's red flag.
Speaker:Number 11 is drives drunk, drinking and driving big red flag.
Speaker:, we go back to his house.
Speaker:We opened the door and Zoe is pounced and ready to attack.
Speaker:, she's just as angry, if not angrier than when we first got there.
Speaker:And I'm like, damn, this dog.
Speaker:So, uh, we . Start getting ready to go to dinner.
Speaker:And, um, we like sit down on his couch.
Speaker:So he's sitting on his couch next to Zoe and I kind of sit down on the arm of the
Speaker:couch and Zoe is in between us and he's petting Zoe and I'm just like calmly
Speaker:sitting there letting her come down and she's, at this point she stopped barking.
Speaker:She's like letting Collin pet her and I'm like, okay, this is a good sign
Speaker:because I do have to sleep here tonight.
Speaker:At least she's coming down.
Speaker:So I start petting her too, and she lets me and I was like, yes.
Speaker:And I love dogs.
Speaker:Like I want this dog to.
Speaker:My eviction.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:So I'm petting her.
Speaker:He's petting her.
Speaker:Everything's fine.
Speaker:And he was like, Ooh, okay, good.
Speaker:And he was like, I'm going to go to the bathroom real quick.
Speaker:And I was like, okay.
Speaker:So he gets up.
Speaker:As soon as he's out of eyesight.
Speaker:Zoe goes rogue and bites me.
Speaker:Oh, she like a clamps onto my thumb.
Speaker:Like a fucking.
Speaker:Rocca dial and starts shaking.
Speaker:I'm gushing blood.
Speaker:Oh, I scream.
Speaker:He runs out of the bathroom and he's like, what's wrong?
Speaker:What's wrong?
Speaker:And I was like, So we bit me and he was like, what the fuck?
Speaker:And , he's drunk, he's lost every game he's gambled on his mood.
Speaker:Isn't.
Speaker:Okay.
Speaker:, and so he starts yelling at Zoey and I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Speaker:And I was like, I pushed her boundaries.
Speaker:She showed me.
Speaker:And like, I pushed it, please don't yell at her.
Speaker:That's not going to make anything better, but I do need a bandaid.
Speaker:Do you have a first day of camp?
Speaker:He was like, oh, yo.
Speaker:So I'm at the sink, running water over my bloody thumb.
Speaker:, And holding it with paper towels that are being soaked through
Speaker:with like bright red blood.
Speaker:Wow.
Speaker:And so he brings me a bandaid and I'm, you know, like mending my hand.
Speaker:, and he looks at Zoe and he's like, you know what?
Speaker:Fuck this.
Speaker:We're getting a hotel room and I was like,
Speaker:Like that escalated quickly.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:What, so I was like, just keep her in a different room.
Speaker:Like it's not a big deal.
Speaker:I put her in the laundry room, put her in like, yeah.
Speaker:There's solutions to this, so he calls up.
Speaker:Essentially the equivalent of like the local.
Speaker:Ritz-Carlton very nice.
Speaker:Yeah, that's good.
Speaker:That is good.
Speaker:, so we'll say Ashley answers the phone.
Speaker:And he named drops that the owner's a good friend and client of his,
Speaker:and that he stayed there before.
Speaker:And he's like, I'm a, I'm a local.
Speaker:And I live up the street and I've got a plumbing issue.
Speaker:I was wondering if you had any last minute rooms available and any special
Speaker:rates that you could extend to me with all of that taken into consideration.
Speaker:Oh my God.
Speaker:And if there's one thing I hate, it's a name drop.
Speaker:I, it makes me so uncomfortable.
Speaker:I think it's icky.
Speaker:, and certainly in this context, Like, are you a baller or are you not a baller?
Speaker:. Like come on all.
Speaker:Write that.
Speaker:As a red flag, namedrop red flag.
Speaker:So she's like, oh my gosh.
Speaker:Yes.
Speaker:, of course we can accommodate you.
Speaker:, just come on down as soon as you can.
Speaker:And we'll finish the reservation in person.
Speaker:And so he's like, okay, great.
Speaker:Thank you, Ashley.
Speaker:We'll see you shortly.
Speaker:So he's like, all right, babe, grab your shit.
Speaker:We're fucking out of here.
Speaker:And I will say, I was like, what about Zoe?
Speaker:And he was like, she'll be fine.
Speaker:So her parents suck, which is why she sacks, but she's left
Speaker:home for longer periods of time than I would ever leave a dog.
Speaker:And she's potty pad trained.
Speaker:So she's used.
Speaker:Used to being left on her own overnight like this.
Speaker:Okay.
Speaker:And I was like, you know what?
Speaker:I wouldn't leave my dogs for the amount of time that we're about to, but my
Speaker:dogs aren't potty trained and yeah, I think Zoe would be more stressed with
Speaker:me here than not also, at least she has a place to like relieve herself.
Speaker:I feel like that's a big.
Speaker:That's huge deal.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:So he filled up her food bowl,
Speaker:filled up her water bowl and like made sure she had everything she needed.
Speaker:And so I was like, okay, is it bad?
Speaker:I'm like, that's so good.
Speaker:Like he's giving a green flag now.
Speaker:It's because it's the bare minimum.
Speaker:Because of how bad it's been.
Speaker:I'm like, oh, that's, that's good.
Speaker:That's a good thing.
Speaker:It's like, No that's fucking normal minimum.
Speaker:Exactly.
Speaker:Also if my friend was watching my pet and left my pet so that he could
Speaker:go shack up with some woman at a hotel, I would be besides myself to.
Speaker:What the fuck.
Speaker:Me too.
Speaker:I really would be.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:So that just showed me so many things about his character.
Speaker:, so I gathered my things and we go back out to his car and we
Speaker:drive to this beautiful hotel.
Speaker:And we pull up to the ballet and they're just schmoozing the fuck out of him
Speaker:because he's obviously wealthy because we're pulling up in this fancy car
Speaker:and the valets are just like, Ooh, And I'm being treated like I don't exist.
Speaker:, which again is the FEMA.
Speaker:The night and it's just the weirdest thing for me.
Speaker:So we walk into the hotel, it's decked out for Christmas
Speaker:and it's absolutely beautiful.
Speaker:And I was like, all right, this, this is not, this is not a downgrade.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:So we walk up to the front desk and he's like, Hey Ashley, call-in
Speaker:we spoke earlier, so happy you can accommodate us, dah, dah, dah.
Speaker:And she's like, oh, like, so sorry to hear about your plumbing issue.
Speaker:We're going to get you all taken care of Mr.
Speaker:Fill-in-the-blank.
Speaker:And so she's like, you mentioned, you stayed with us before, what
Speaker:number would your profile be under?
Speaker:And so he gives her a phone number and she's like, oh, it's not
Speaker:working because they're another one.
Speaker:So he's going through all of these different phone numbers and they're , not
Speaker:coming up, not coming up, not coming up.
Speaker:And then finally.
Speaker:Weird one comes up and she looks me dead in the eyes and she was like,
Speaker:oh my God, you must be Stephanie.
Speaker:And I said, I am tonight.
Speaker:It was so awkward and it's Stephanie.
Speaker:Last bitch that he took there, like what the fuck?
Speaker:And he just kind of like smirks and I'm just like, this is so weird.
Speaker:And so it's taking a while for them to get things set up.
Speaker:Oh, like he's standing there with his credit card and I was just like,
Speaker:I'm not needed in this transaction.
Speaker:And I'm Always in the role of the person who's handling the reservation
Speaker:because normally I'm traveling alone.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:I am my favorite person in trouble with.
Speaker:And so it was just , I felt like a little kid, like with my
Speaker:parent, you know what I mean?
Speaker:So I was just like looking at all the pretty Christmas things.
Speaker:I'm letting him handle stuff.
Speaker:And so we're.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:And he did ask, he was like, , can I get like late checkout for her tomorrow?
Speaker:Because my flight was like the next night.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:I feel like, of course , so I get my own key, whatever.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:So we go up to the room and it's beautiful.
Speaker:It's a suite, it's overlooking this park.
Speaker:That's like twinkly lights for Christmas.
Speaker:And I'm like, okay, this is not awful.
Speaker:, He turns on football.
Speaker:The second we walk into the room, football is on and I'm just like, oh, hi.
Speaker:Of course not.
Speaker:Obviously and jokingly, I was like, are you betting on this one too?
Speaker:And he was like, you know that I am.
Speaker:And I was like, oh, Okay.
Speaker:Good luck.
Speaker:, so he's, you know, watching football, I'm kind of putting my toothbrush by
Speaker:the sink and just like doing the girl stuff and I get ready for dinner.
Speaker:And then he's like, all right, like ready to go.
Speaker:And I was like, And so we go downstairs and, he gives the valet
Speaker:his ticket and he's like, oh, where are you taking her for dinner?
Speaker:And he says, oh, I'm taking her to de.
Speaker:And, uh, the valet looks at him kind of weird and he's like, oh, he's
Speaker:like, you're, you're going to drive.
Speaker:And he was like, yo, don't feel like walking.
Speaker:And the valley is like, all right.
Speaker:Yes, sir.
Speaker:It'll be right around.
Speaker:And so they pulled the car around.
Speaker:I get in.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Well, he tried to blocks.
Speaker:The street.
Speaker:You can see the front door of the restaurant from the
Speaker:front door of the hotel.
Speaker:So weird.
Speaker:This fucking bitch just wanted people to see him rolling up in his car.
Speaker:So red flag.
Speaker:Total red flag.
Speaker:And I'm just like, so turned off at this point.
Speaker:that I can't handle it, but again, I'm just like, I'm, I'm in it for
Speaker:the night, but at least I'm thinking , okay, this is like a nice restaurant.
Speaker:So I'm like, at least there's not going to be , TV's like.
Speaker:Every other place you've been to.
Speaker:No.
Speaker:We're not going to have any football.
Speaker:We can at least talk and.
Speaker:And I want to, I do want to say it's not like in between all these
Speaker:horrifying moments of the story, we aren't having pleasant conversation.
Speaker:Like we are getting along, but it's just all of these things also happening.
Speaker:'cause like that helps to know why you kind of stuck around to.
Speaker:For sure.
Speaker:All that bad.
Speaker:It was still having nice conversation and like, he is charming and funny, like.
Speaker:That's part of the, you know what I mean?
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:So we walk in, we grab a seat at the bar.
Speaker:Beautiful restaurant.
Speaker:, we ordered drinks.
Speaker:He takes out his phone.
Speaker:Opens his Hulu app.
Speaker:No turns on the football game.
Speaker:With.
Speaker:Volume.
Speaker:At this nice restaurant at this nice restaurant at the bar, props his
Speaker:phone up against this water glass.
Speaker:And I looked at him and I said, you are joking.
Speaker:And he was like, babe, I got money riding on this.
Speaker:And I was just like, is the volume necessary?
Speaker:And he was like, I mean, I can turn it down a little bit.
Speaker:And I was just like, Oh my God.
Speaker:I am a little miss etiquette.
Speaker:I'd be really embarrassed by that.
Speaker:I'd be really embarrassed.
Speaker:And especially to be like, dude, for real and for him to be like, yeah, for real.
Speaker:You know what I mean?
Speaker:And I was just like, okay.
Speaker:Okay.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:I like to call them out.
Speaker:And then for him to be like, I don't give a fuck what you think literally.
Speaker:I was doing it literally fuck off.
Speaker:Yes, it's disgusting.
Speaker:It was horrible.
Speaker:So we would have drinks.
Speaker:We order food, we ordered like a bunch of stuff to just share.
Speaker:I thought everything was good.
Speaker:It's not their best meal I've ever had in my life.
Speaker:But if everything was solid, like it was exactly what I would've expected.
Speaker:He complained about every dish we ordered.
Speaker:And I was just like, dude, was it good?
Speaker:Or was it like, it was good.
Speaker:And I'm critical as fuck.
Speaker:if I'm saying this meal was good, this meal was he.
Speaker:Complaining.
Speaker:I know he probably doesn't have any fucking tastebuds cause he
Speaker:dips all the time and his palette is probably that of a child.
Speaker:, that's a red flag.
Speaker:That's a red book.
Speaker:, so yeah, so I'm just having the worst meal ever.
Speaker:So we finish our entrees and he's like, I need some fucking dessert.
Speaker:And I was like, okay, like, I'm sure they have some.
Speaker:. So we checked out the dessert menu.
Speaker:And he orders a new tele pudding.
Speaker:Cool.
Speaker:I love Nutella.
Speaker:I love pudding.
Speaker:Fine choice.
Speaker:And then he says to the bartender.
Speaker:Do y'all have any milk.
Speaker:Excuse me.
Speaker:Do y'all have any milk.
Speaker:For what.
Speaker:Exactly.
Speaker:She blinks blankly at him.
Speaker:Like, did this man just ask me this.
Speaker:And she goes, To drink.
Speaker:And he was like, yeah, I fucking love milk.
Speaker:Oh, my God.
Speaker:What the fuck did she say?
Speaker:I would have laughed.
Speaker:I would have, I would have.
Speaker:She bikes.
Speaker:She was very amused by it.
Speaker:She was like, I mean, I guess like we have glasses and we have milk,
Speaker:I suppose I could combine the two.
Speaker:That's a bad flag.
Speaker:Red flag.
Speaker:That's a huge, that's a serial killer.
Speaker:You're ordering milk at a bar.
Speaker:Oh, And a nice ass bar, like.
Speaker:Nice that's bar, but you're going to wash down your new tele pudding with milk.
Speaker:So let's just circle back to the fact that he's like sucking down
Speaker:dip like a couple hours beforehand.
Speaker:So he felt acidic dip, stomach, and he's been like belching and being gross.
Speaker:And then he's like belching.
Speaker:Yes.
Speaker:And I'm writing that one.
Speaker:So gross.
Speaker:So he orders milk and pudding, and I'm just like, I'm dying tonight.
Speaker:Like this is it.
Speaker:Like, this is, this is how it ends.
Speaker:, , at least that oyster slider was delicious, like rip to me.
Speaker:So.
Speaker:We have, we have some pudding.
Speaker:I have like two bites of the pudding and he just like devours it.
Speaker:It's fine.
Speaker:My appetite not thriving at this point.
Speaker:, and then the bartender comes back and he was like, Hey, uh, if you were
Speaker:going to go somewhere else to watch the rest of the game, where would you go?
Speaker:And I said, no, what?
Speaker:And he, like, they both look at me and I was just like, go.
Speaker:I was like, no, no, I snapped.
Speaker:And I was just like, we have spent our entire day.
Speaker:Hopping around from football game to football game.
Speaker:I have been as calm about this as I possibly can.
Speaker:I do not want to go Kel.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Like we had been drinking all day long.
Speaker:You do not need to keep drinking.
Speaker:You are driving.
Speaker:I am drunk.
Speaker:I am like we have a beautiful hotel room.
Speaker:Like, no, I'm no good.
Speaker:Yes.
Speaker:So the bartender was like, oh, I'll be back on the truck.
Speaker:The check comes, he leans over, hold it like in front of my face.
Speaker:And he goes, what's that say no?
Speaker:And I was like, Three 14.
Speaker:And he was like, oh, okay.
Speaker:And I was like, thank you.
Speaker:I knew that's what he wanted.
Speaker:I wanted him to see, like, this is how much I'm spending on you, bitch.
Speaker:Like I want you to know.
Speaker:And so I was just like,
Speaker:What a literal piece of trash.
Speaker:I know it made me feel so gross.
Speaker:And at that point, I was like, I don't afford my own dinner.
Speaker:I can afford to split.
Speaker:It's like, I'd be like, let me buy it then.
Speaker:We'll let me buy it.
Speaker:I almost did.
Speaker:And then I was just like, no, I'm now I know.
Speaker:I'm not taking the high road.
Speaker:Like in.
Speaker:This exact moment.
Speaker:You can buy me dinner.
Speaker:, And also it's three 14 because you've been pounding milks, like.
Speaker:. So anyways, he pays the check.
Speaker:We go outside.
Speaker:And we get into his car and drive the one second back to our hotel room.
Speaker:And we get in the elevator to go up to her room.
Speaker:So we're in the elevator and he was like, all right, babe.
Speaker:So here's the plan.
Speaker:I've got to go to work early tomorrow morning.
Speaker:So I'm gonna, , leave you my car keys and I'm an Uber to work.
Speaker:And then you can just have my car for the day and then just park it
Speaker:at my place, an Uber to the airport and all Uber home, , is that cool?
Speaker:And I was like, Oh, fuck.
Speaker:Yeah, it is.
Speaker:So then all of a sudden, Everything's fine.
Speaker:You get to drive the car.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:That's all I wanted and I, and I get to drive the car without him in it.
Speaker:It's just like fucking upgrade.
Speaker:That's funny then all of a sudden I was like, all right, you got this.
Speaker:All you have to do is survive until the morning.
Speaker:And you have like a fun day tomorrow.
Speaker:So we get back into the room.
Speaker:And, uh, I mean, he is drunk.
Speaker:Let's be clear.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:He like opens up every little snack in the mini bar.
Speaker:This motherfuckers like crunching on cashews and M and M's like Jordan almonds.
Speaker:And he's like, you want some gummy bears?
Speaker:And I'm like,
Speaker:Then he opens up canned rosé.
Speaker:Are you kidding?
Speaker:And of course has put football on.
Speaker:That's a red flag.
Speaker:That's a red flag.
Speaker:Kendra is.
Speaker:That's a real thing.
Speaker:So I'm just like, no, I'm solid.
Speaker:I'm good.
Speaker:I'm going to have my Voss water.
Speaker:Do my skincare.
Speaker:It's so funny.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:So by the end of this evening, I've watched him lose
Speaker:literally thousands of dollars.
Speaker:He's lost every single game that he's gambled on.
Speaker:And, uh, he's not thrilled about it obviously.
Speaker:So his mood is directly connected to like the amount of money that he's lost.
Speaker:And I'm so uncomfortable.
Speaker:And I'm like, obviously,
Speaker:Sorry, mom.
Speaker:I'm like, I don't want to hook up with him at this point.
Speaker:I don't want to fuck you.
Speaker:I was wondering about this.
Speaker:I was like, what's the next step?
Speaker:Like.
Speaker:Well, obviously I felt obligated and that's where all of this stuff is so
Speaker:tricky because it's like, men expect if they're spending money on you, that
Speaker:there's going to be some sort of ROI.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:And so I feel obligated to provide that.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:And I feel like anyone would feel like, I know if I was in that situation, I'd
Speaker:be feeling the exact same way, as sure as unfortunate as that is and how like
Speaker:fucked up that is like, A hundred percent.
Speaker:I'd be feeling that too.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:And let's be clear when I went up there.
Speaker:That was an assumption that that was something that , if everything
Speaker:felt good that that would happen.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Safely, of course.
Speaker:, but I just wasn't like, I don't want to fuck you after I watch
Speaker:you be a chauvinist, gross human and dip, or, you know what I mean?
Speaker:The tip and the milk Hitler.
Speaker:Like, I'm sorry, but that just like, Ooh, that does not do it for.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:So I got really lucky that he couldn't get it up because he was so drunk.
Speaker:And I was like, oh no.
Speaker:Gosh, darn.
Speaker:So I, at this point, Like that starts and ends real quick.
Speaker:Oh no, I create this pillow Fort between us and bed and he's again, snacking.
Speaker:Drinking, his canned.
Speaker:Pussy.
Speaker:Drinks.
Speaker:And watching football and it's loud and I'm just , so over the
Speaker:summer, I just won't go to sleep.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:So I am laying there and I just , pretend like I'm asleep at this point.
Speaker:Cause.
Speaker:I am done interacting with this, man.
Speaker:I just have to make it till tomorrow morning.
Speaker:So I pretend that I'm asleep, football ends.
Speaker:He loses that game also.
Speaker:And then he turns on Rick and Morty, which is like the world.
Speaker:I love Rick and Morty, but it's the most colorful show in the world.
Speaker:Through my fake sleeping eyelids.
Speaker:I just have this acid trip of color.
Speaker:I'm going to say, I love brick and mortar.
Speaker:Yeah, I love brick and mortar.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:But not the best thing while you're like fake sleeping.
Speaker:So I think he was up till like two in the morning, snacking drinking.
Speaker:Belching and farting, because he thinks that I'm asleep.
Speaker:It's so he was bouncing during the day.
Speaker:Who knows if he even knew.
Speaker:During the day, it was more of like, you know, when you can tell someone's
Speaker:got a little indigestion and it's like a little bit more like casual, just
Speaker:like, like it was that type of stuff.
Speaker:Full blown, Homer Simpson, just horrific.
Speaker:That's disgusting.
Speaker:Disgusting.
Speaker:, and so I'm just over.
Speaker:I don't know how I fall asleep, but eventually I fell asleep.
Speaker:I did not set an alarm.
Speaker:So I wake up the next morning.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:I look at my phone.
Speaker:It's like eight something.
Speaker:I am.
Speaker:I roll over.
Speaker:And he's gone.
Speaker:I was like, Hmm.
Speaker:And so I, you know, we're in a suite, so I'm peeking my head
Speaker:around the rest of the room.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Go knock on the bathroom door.
Speaker:, Nope, no answer.
Speaker:I walk in.
Speaker:He's not on there.
Speaker:He's gone.
Speaker:And I'm like, Hey.
Speaker:So I'm like maybe he went to get me coffee.
Speaker:Got a little breakfast treat.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Then I realize both room keys are up there, so he can't
Speaker:even get in the elevator.
Speaker:And I also noticed his car keys are not in the room.
Speaker:And I was like, oh, he.
Speaker:Is gone.
Speaker:With no intent to return.
Speaker:Oh my God.
Speaker:And then I just felt horrible about myself it was not good.
Speaker:I was just like, this is gross.
Speaker:This is gross as fuck.
Speaker:, Oh, my God.
Speaker:I know.
Speaker:It's just horrible.
Speaker:That's it's a red flag.
Speaker:I can put it on the list.
Speaker:, So I'm like, okay.
Speaker:My flight wasn't till six it's eight in the morning.
Speaker:I've got hours to kill here.
Speaker:, I'm like, maybe I can get an earlier flight, but I couldn't.
Speaker:So I looked, took a shower and I went shopping and I'm thinking , maybe
Speaker:he's like, oh, I'll let her sleep in.
Speaker:And he's going to reach out later.
Speaker:So it's lunchtime.
Speaker:And I haven't heard from him.
Speaker:And so I texted him and I said, Hey, I was really surprised to see you
Speaker:were gone when I woke up everything.
Speaker:Okay.
Speaker:Because I still do want to drive this car.
Speaker:, trying to be kind of sweet.
Speaker:, I was like, is everything okay?
Speaker:And he was like, why would you be surprised?
Speaker:You know, I had to work.
Speaker:And I was like, oh, you don't remember offering me the car in the first
Speaker:place because you were fucking drunk.
Speaker:Got it.
Speaker:And so I just didn't even respond.
Speaker:And I was just like, wow.
Speaker:So I shop and just take myself to lunch and , whatever, go to the airport, . Yeah.
Speaker:, the next day he texts me.
Speaker:How was your flight?
Speaker:And I was like, I'm not responding to this.
Speaker:We're fucking done.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:So you would think that this is where the story ends.
Speaker:But actually it's where it begins.
Speaker:Uh,
Speaker:huh.
Speaker:Okay.
Speaker:So.
Speaker:I'm telling the story at work.
Speaker:Yeah, I've got one client in my chair who I'm telling the story to.
Speaker:I've got another client sitting in the chair next to me.
Speaker:Who's hair color is processing.
Speaker:Okay.
Speaker:I hadn't told her the story, but I'm starting to tell him the story and
Speaker:obviously fine with her hearing it.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:So I start the story and she looked over at me and I was like, is everything okay?
Speaker:And she was like, I know who you're talking about.
Speaker:And I was like, no.
Speaker:There's no way.
Speaker:I was like, he doesn't even live in Atlanta . And she was like, give me a sec.
Speaker:And she goes on her phone and she pulls.
Speaker:His picture.
Speaker:And she was like, is this M?
Speaker:And I was like, oh my God.
Speaker:Yes.
Speaker:And she was like, you're going to.
Speaker:I hate this story.
Speaker:And I was like, oh no.
Speaker:How could this get worse?
Speaker:So, oh my God.
Speaker:She was like, Years ago.
Speaker:My boyfriend at the time, sister.
Speaker:Was dating this air quotes.
Speaker:Amazing man.
Speaker:And they'd been seeing each other for almost a year.
Speaker:They were exclusively dating and she was ready to introduce us to him.
Speaker:And so we all had dinner together.
Speaker:Like.
Speaker:We're meeting for dinner.
Speaker:To meet him.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:So they go out to dinner at this place in Buckhead that has kind of
Speaker:a reputation for getting a little CD in the evenings, but it's high end.
Speaker:Okay.
Speaker:But a little mob street.
Speaker:Okay.
Speaker:So they go to dinner.
Speaker:He rolls in late shocker.
Speaker:And, uh, As the evening progresses these mafia looking dudes, start
Speaker:coming into the restaurant and all of them are like Colin.
Speaker:What's up, brother.
Speaker:And he's like, what's up.
Speaker:They start sending over bottles to their table.
Speaker:And at one point.
Speaker:The boyfriend and sister had gone to the bathroom or something.
Speaker:So it was just my client and Colin at the table.
Speaker:And she was like, how do you know these people?
Speaker:And he's drunk at this point.
Speaker:And so he lowers his voice and looks at her and says, let's just say they pay for
Speaker:cars and cash and I don't ask questions.
Speaker:So.
Speaker:Oh, so you're a money launderer and he just winked and like took a sip of milk.
Speaker:Just kidding.
Speaker:But, yeah, so he essentially tells her like he is a money launderer
Speaker:and she's just like gross.
Speaker:So, um, that evening ends and the boyfriend and my client
Speaker:are like, we don't like him.
Speaker:Like this couldn't have been a worst impression and she's like, it wasn't
Speaker:as bad, first impression, but you know, like I really like him and oh,
Speaker:They're like, sorry, but like, Aye.
Speaker:And they're married and her name is Stephanie.
Speaker:But he had bought her this Louis Vuitton bag for Christmas.
Speaker:And a super cute limited edition, which is noteworthy.
Speaker:and so she's like, oh, he's like, pardon me?
Speaker:This is my bag.
Speaker:I'm he's like really general.
Speaker:He's a fun date.
Speaker:, and they're like buy your own back, honey.
Speaker:It's never worth it.
Speaker:So fast forward a couple of weeks later, this client of mine is at one of the
Speaker:big, like in town festivals . Yeah.
Speaker:And she sees a girlfriend of hers that she hasn't seen in awhile.
Speaker:And she's like, oh my God, how are you?
Speaker:Duh.
Speaker:And she noticed that she's got that same handbag and she was
Speaker:like, oh my God, I love your bag.
Speaker:And she says, thank you so much.
Speaker:I'm dating the most amazing.
Speaker:We're in an exclusive committed relationship.
Speaker:And he got this from me for Christmas.
Speaker:Oh, yeah, the cheater.
Speaker:So she was like my client jokingly.
Speaker:She says, , His name's not calling, is it?
Speaker:And the girl pauses.
Speaker:And she was like, yeah, it is.
Speaker:How, how do you know.
Speaker:Oh fuck.
Speaker:And she was like, I am really sorry to , be the one to tell
Speaker:you this, but oh my daily.
Speaker:My boyfriend's sister and he bought her the same bag.
Speaker:And this girl's like what?
Speaker:We're in an exclusive relationship and she's like, you're not.
Speaker:And so this girl is devastated and my client's like, oh, Oh, a
Speaker:guy just gets worse and worse.
Speaker:This is horrible.
Speaker:So, and I swear to God, I can not make this up.
Speaker:The same festival, a couple hours later, she runs into a different group of friends
Speaker:and there was another girl with the same.
Speaker:Limited edition.
Speaker:Louis Vuitton bag.
Speaker:So at this point, my client's like, fuck no.
Speaker:And she like walks up to the girl and she's like, Where'd you get that back?
Speaker:Like, you know what I mean?
Speaker:And then I was like, Ugh, I'm dating this amazing man.
Speaker:We're.
Speaker:We're in an exclusive relationship.
Speaker:And he got me this bag for Christmas and she's like, let me ask Collin.
Speaker:And the girl's like, yeah.
Speaker:And same thing.
Speaker:So within a month she's met three women.
Speaker:Oh, Under the impression they are in an exclusive committed
Speaker:relationship with this man.
Speaker:So.
Speaker:This is the story of my worst dates.
Speaker:And if anyone has one worse than that, I'd love to hear it.
Speaker:A doozy.
Speaker:That's it.
Speaker:I'm fucking bombed.
Speaker:I'm like, I didn't even get a fucking Louie out of it.
Speaker:Like I just got an oyster slider, so I don't know if you've been counting.
Speaker:I have not been counting.
Speaker:Did you see my board?
Speaker:I see your board is full.
Speaker:Okay.
Speaker:Do you have a guess at how many red flags or red flags there are?
Speaker:26.
Speaker:It was 22.
Speaker:Wow.
Speaker:Okay.
Speaker:How do you feel about that Kelly?
Speaker:Wow.
Speaker:It's.
Speaker:It's it's it's awful.
Speaker:That's I could never top that worst date.
Speaker:Good.
Speaker:I don't want anybody to be able to top that.
Speaker:No.
Speaker:Neither do I.
Speaker:It was, that was.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Fucking DZ.
Speaker:Well, listen on that note, if you liked this episode, and if you laughed,
Speaker:please consider leaving us a review or following us on social media.
Speaker:Clover club pod, and also friendly reminder.
Speaker:, you get 10% off all of your purchases@hawkinsandclover.com.
Speaker:With promo code Clover club, all caps.
Speaker:, and yeah, we, I guess we'll see you next time, I guess.
